I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
