Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
