I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
