Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
