On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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