Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
