they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
