We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Come on in and take your pants off
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