Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
