Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
