Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
