remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
