U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
