I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
