Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
