I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
