we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
