College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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