There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
