if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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