I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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