she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
