Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
