That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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