im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
