im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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