and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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