I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
