this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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