my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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