our cab driver is having phone sex.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Randomize
