someone get that fucking seahorse.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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