Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Buhtt sex?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
