I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I want her autograph on my taint
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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