u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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