I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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