I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
