he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
