I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
