Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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