Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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