I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
