Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Drunk is not a location!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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