i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
