This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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