Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
