his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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