oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
