he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You're like the curious george of whores
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
