so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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